Nine years ago, to the day, I thought I was closing a chapter in my life, unaware yet that I had just finished the prologue. It was Jan. 1, 2010, and I had watched yet another relationship unravel. It was painful. It hurt. A lot. I vividly remember going to a New Year’s Day brunch and leaving their house, walking down their steep driveway, and having an epiphany.

I no longer wanted to date. Period. My entire adult life, up until that point, had been a series of false starts and dead ends, all in my quest to be married and have children. I had been wounded. I had wounded others. I had made compromises. And here I was, almost two decades later, pretty much in the same spot that I was in the beginning.

And so, on that Jan. 1, 2010, I told God that I was done. Not even that I was done dating until the right person showed up. Not that I was going to stop looking. I was DONE. By the time I got home from the brunch, I had formulated a new plan in my life, one that involved switching careers, going back to school, and moving to India, a place that was already calling me even though I had never been, and working in an orphanage. If I couldn’t have my own child, I’d be a mother to children who needed one.

I vividly remember that day, and how excited I was. It didn’t feel – at all – like I was settling for second best. I was excited.

You can read my entire path to marriage and children here, but long story short, right after I decided to stop dating, I started dreaming about the man who is now my husband. Every night. And then one night, about four months later, I found out he had also been dreaming about me, and five months later we were engaged.

I don’t know why it worked out the way it did. I don’t know why I had to wait longer than some. I don’t know why my early prayers didn’t get answered the way I wanted them to. But I do know this: sometimes our surrender leads to the thing we actually want the most. Sometimes we need to take our hands off of our plans, and our attempts, however well-intentioned, to bring about what we desire.

And sometimes we need to be like Abraham, and be willing to genuinely and sincerely lay down our Isaac – whatever or whoever that is – and then sit back and see what arises from our sincere sacrifice.

I don’t think the key to me getting what I thought I wanted was to just stop looking. I will never understand all of it. But I do know that something happened when I became genuinely content with how my life turned out, even if it wasn’t at all what I planned.

Happy 2019. May this be the year I actively watch and wait.